How can I still believe after all of THIS?

On Valentines Day 2021, I was a wreck. Only a week before, I had just ended a serious relationship to a man I was planning to marry. I was totally devastated and utterly heartbroken. It felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me and suddenly the bright future I had imagined for myself had vanished into thin air. On top of that, my feet were in constant pain due to a congenital bone dysfunction that I had been struggling with for nearly two years at that point. I could barely walk and it was painful to drive. I was also isolated from community in my day to day life because of the Covid19 pandemic.

That Valentines Day, there was a horrible ice storm in my city and the sleet was coming down so hard that the power had gone out. I remember sitting there alone in my cold, dark, house and just weeping. How could God have let all these things happen to me at once? And why would he allow me to continue to suffer when I was daily crying out to him in prayer, begging him to save my relationship and begging him for physical healing?

As I grappled with these questions, my faith was shaken more profoundly than it ever had been before. I wondered if I had been doing the right thing all these years of trying to follow the Christian God. Was it all just a nice fairytale that didn't stand up to the reality of life? Still, even through my doubts, I cried out to God, asking him to reveal himself to me, if he was really there. And it was there, in that place of desperation, at the end of my ability to keep believing, and at the end of my own strength, that God met me.

I'm writing this now, several years removed from that time. My heart has very much healed and my physical health is improving, though I continue to struggle with chronic pain in my feet that sometimes impacts my ability to walk. No season is perfect, but after the terrifying rollercoaster of 2020 and 2021, things are certainly looking up. So from this place, I want to reflect on four ways that I saw God work in my life through my suffering and how he showed me that he is a God worth trusting and believing in, even as we struggle with unanswered prayers and challenges in our lives.

First, when I was at the end of my rope crying out to God, I felt his presence. There were times throughout my journey where I just felt like I couldn't believe anymore, I didn't have the strength. But still, I went to God and asked---"Jesus, if you are truly God--please reveal yourself to me". And I found that some of the burden was lifted off my chest. It wasn't as if all my problems were solved or even as if God spoke to me in an audible voice telling me he was there. No, it was the still small voice described in 1 Kings 19:11-13. He sent me a feeling of comfort, peace, and moment of knowing that I was in the presence of God. Even as I continued to struggle, these moments helped give me the faith to keep going.

Second, every time I felt like I was about to give up, He gave me just what I needed to be able to keep going. There were times when the sadness and dread of the future left me so depressed that I could barely bring myself to get out of bed. I couldn't see anything positive in my future and I was too weary to go on. I went to God at these times, empty handed and asking him to give me something, anything, to help me keep going. And somehow, every time I came to this place, God responded in some way. Some days it was by calling my attention to a passage of Scripture that spoke truth to my fears in exactly the way I needed. Other days it would be an encouraging word from a friend at just the right time. When I was truly empty, he met me. And as Mary said in her song of praise I found that he fills thing hungry with good things (Luke 1:53).

Third, He changed my perspective about my suffering. As I went to God in prayer, read scripture, and sought the advice of godly mentors, I found strength and hope through a renewed perspective on suffering. Instead of looking at suffering as something outside of God's control or as a sign of His lack of care for me, I began to see the ways God was working in and through my difficult circumstances. I became grateful for the ways my injuries and heartbreak had softened me, making me want to truly listen to the people around me rather than just rushing by. God had given me a new level of empathy for those experiencing health problems and disabilities as well as for those whose hearts were afflicted by the weight of grief or loneliness. In my heart, I could see that He was growing something beautiful, a deeper sense of His presence and a closer walk with Him. I realized that I didn't have to wait for my circumstance s to change to see the goodness of the Lord. He met me right where I was, in the midst of my struggle.

Fourth, He took my pain and used it for good. As I prayed for the Lord to bring purpose to my pain, he opened up so many doors for me to share about His love with friends, neighbors, and coworkers. The things that I felt were going to destroy me: my heartbreak, my struggles with mental health, and my physical pain, actually ended up being the very things that allowed me to connect with others who were going through a hard time. I felt myself being filled with the Holy Spirit and prompted to share about the goodness of God through my actions, through my speech, and through my writing. God took the circumstances that I wanted so desperately to change, and used them for good. So every day, as I continued to pray for healing of my heart and healing of my body, I began to pray that God would use my experiences to bring glory to His name and that my suffering would not be in vain. He has answered that prayer a hundred times over.

Rather than losing my faith through this painful time in my life, I ended up meeting God in a more real way than I had ever known. In the midst of my struggle and doubt, He met me. Today, as the psalmist writes in Psalm 40:3 "He has put a new song in my mouth." I know that my God will be with me through whatever comes and I trust that one day Jesus will come to set things right and to heal all of the world's brokenness once and for all. So this Valentines day, I am singing instead of weeping because I am so full of love, the love of my God.