Limitless Grace for Limited Lives

There’s a line in the movie "Ms. Congeniality" that always makes me laugh. It’s when beauty pageant contestant Ms. Rhode Island is asked to describe her idea of a “perfect date” and she responds with

“Um, I'd have to say April 25th, because it's not too hot, not too cold. All you need is a light jacket."

This line was on my mind recently as I drove home from work one afternoon. With the windows rolled down and the wind running through my hair, I breathed in the scent of a fresh spring day. It was that perfect kind of weather. The kind where you can leave your house sans jacket and feel neither too hot nor too cold. There was a slight breeze in the air and it seemed like everyone in the whole world wanted to be outside soaking up the glory of the afternoon. Yet as I saw a woman around my age jogging by, I felt a pang of sadness.

For years, this would have been a day that I would have loved to go for a run. I savored that feeling of fresh, crisp air flowing through my lungs and the sensation of the wind on my face. I remember the way my heart would beat steadily, but at a lively pace, as I felt the muscles in my legs propel me forward. It’s been almost five years since I’ve been able to go for a run or even a walk due to my chronic pain issues. Widespread joint pain, chronic stress fractures, nerve pain and tendonitis have been tying me down and I’m still in the process of getting a diagnosis of the underlying cause.

There are so many things that I used to be able to do with ease that are either huge challenges for me now or no longer options at all. I took for granted how freely I could travel, walking long distances through airports and exploring cities on foot. Things like walking around a park, hiking, or spending hours exploring a museum all seem out of reach to me without the use of mobility aids, which is something I’m still adjusting to. At times I have pushed myself to walk farther or do more than I should out of frustration with my limitations and a desire to be free of them. But when I push myself too far, I pay the price with pain and further injuries.

So, as the years go on and this continues to be my reality, I am beginning to come to the conclusion that if I want to keep my pain levels down, I need to limit myself with the types of activities I can do. In order to manage my chronic pain, I have had to learn how to live smaller, with more boundaries than I was used to before all this. I need to stay close to home, get plenty of rest, and minimize the amount of time I spend on my feet. There are activities that just are not options for me anymore and I am still in the process of accepting that. I think there’s a balance of continuing to pursue recovery, while also embracing the life that I actually have right now. It’s funny though, because as I reflect on the ways my world has gotten smaller, it is also clear to me that some parts of my life have grown bigger, more beautiful, and more robust through my struggles.

One way that my world has grown in color and beauty is in the ways God has used my writing in this season. I may never have had the push I needed to do more with my writing if I didn’t feel so compelled to share my story of God’s provision through suffering. Writing used to be something that I simply did for myself, but through my struggles I have come to view it as a form of ministry. It’s also one of the gifts God has given me that is not dependent on my ability to walk. Although I wish my chronic pain issues would be fully resolved, the fact that my struggle is ongoing actually gives fresh inspiration for my writing and credibility to my testimony. It’s one thing to say that you trust God in suffering when suffering was a circumstance in the past. It’s another to be facing ongoing pain and to have to keep turning to God for the strength to keep going. I have had so many opportunities to share about God’s goodness that I never would have had if it weren’t for my health problems.

Another way my world has grown richer is through connections with others. Having this experience of chronic health problems and mobility issues has connected me with so many amazing people all across the world through social media, online bible studies, and online support groups. God has used this trial to put me in touch with so many wonderful women who know exactly what I’m going through. He has given us the opportunity to encourage and empathize with one another. This is a huge blessing. I have also found that in my daily life in my neighborhood and in my workplace, the outward signs of my struggle prompt meaningful conversations with people that I otherwise may have only had a surface level exchange with. Opening up about my own struggles tends to make other people feel that they can open up about theirs. I find that as I share my story of suffering, people feel comfortable to share with me about their own struggles with physical health, mental health, and relationships.

Additionally, one of the most amazing ways my world has grown richer has been through growth in my spiritual journey and my relationship with God. Going through ongoing suffering pushes me back into the arms of God every day. I know that I do not have the strength to handle all of this without Him. My chronic pain reminds me that I am not in control and that “every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17 God has used this trial to draw me closer to Him and I am learning to live in joyful dependence. My quiet times with God are like water for my thirsty soul.

Lest you feel I am sugarcoating things, dear reader, I will admit that living with chronic pain can be difficult, disappointing, and sad at times. But there are ways that God is working in my life and forming me into the person I was meant to be that could not be achieved without these struggles. My life doesn’t look the way I imagined it would when I pictured my future five or ten years ago. There are challenges I have faced that I never would have imagined. But there is great beauty too and wisdom that I have gained. I may not have all the answers I want and my body may not be as strong as it used to be, but I believe that God is working all things together for my good. He has filled my mind with inspiration, my heart with love, and my days with joy, even in the midst of living with chronic pain. I may be limited, but God's grace is limitless.