New Years Irresolutions

Sometimes I feel just so terribly inadequate. The list of things I should be or could be doing clangs around my mind, begging for attention. But no matter how much I accomplish, there is always something wanting.

I made it through the work week, only to wake up and notice the Saturday morning sunlight illuminating the dust on my living room floor, which I have neglected for the past few days. Why I haven't purchased a better mop by now when it's obvious that my tiny Swiffer is not doing the trick? Then, I think of my budget and wonder if I should really buy that new mop right now, or just scrub a little harder with what I have.

And then, there's the wedding. Oh, the wedding. Yes, I am engaged right now, which is happy and magical and exciting and whatever positive adjectives one typically associates with this time in life. However, it seems like no matter how much I plan, someone is constantly reminding me of another task that needs to be done. It weighs on me like a sack of potatoes at times. My shoulders are sore from carrying the weight. I want to boil and mash them and have my feast at last! But as I stop to ponder all of this on a chilly January morning, a little voice inside is telling me that perhaps I haven't given myself enough credit.

No crowds cheered to congratulate me for prioritizing my sleep this week, for going to the gym consistently and getting back to therapy. I didn't win any medals for scheduling three different doctors appointments, for taking time to write, or for showing compassion to my students. And so, somehow I have neglected to appreciate the effort I have put into those things. My brain tends to go straight to the negative, hyper-focused on the goals I am struggling to achieve and the places where I feel I am lacking. I have so many dreams that I want to fulfill and so many places where I want to be better. I don't really know how to give myself credit for trying, for caring, and for all the baby steps I am taking along the way. But as I sit here, in a month that is ripe with the pressure and expectation of New Years resolutions, I wonder if maybe I can learn how to be kinder to myself.

I wonder if maybe, I can truly believe that I am loved today, just as I am. I am honestly not sure if I can do it. But Jesus tells me that I am worth more than many sparrows* and that with God, all things are possible*. So today, I resolve to push aside my self-condemnation and to try to open myself up to letting the love in.

*Matthew 10:31 paraphrase

*Matthew 19:26 paraphrase