Searching for Safety in an Unsafe World

This morning, I woke up feeling unsettled. As I read about the smoky air from Canadian wildfires spreading an orange haze over New York City and polluting the air quality in my own town, I was reminded of the fact that so much in this life is out of our control. The news is saying that the air quality is very poor and experts are recommending that we stay inside for our own protection. For me, this triggers memories of the early stages of the pandemic and the many months of having to hide in the safety of our homes from this unknown and terrifying illness called Covid19. It’s almost funny to me, how we humans like to think we’re so smart and capable and limitless at times. Hasn’t the reality of life proved us wrong yet? It seems to me like trusting in our own knowledge and skills isn’t working. We have a problem. The world is falling apart in so many ways and no matter how hard we try to fix it, we always seem to be one step behind the latest disaster. Reading the news each morning, I am reminded of how little control we truly have over our lives and it is scary.

I am the kind of person who likes to have her ducks in a row. I like to be prepared and to plan ahead for any potential way the tide could turn. For example, as I battle chronic pain and injuries, I am always trying to have a plan A, B, C, and D for my next move because my body and the healthcare systems I am navigating are so unpredictable. Currently, I have an appointment coming up with a rheumatologist to try to help me get a diagnosis for the underlying cause of my pain. In preparation, I am contacting every doctor and physical therapist I have ever seen and trying to gather all my medical records in order to increase the chances that this new doctor will be able to put the pieces together and give me a diagnosis. But then I worry, what if after all of this preparation, this doctor doesn’t have an answer for me? How will I cope? What will I do next? In some ways, it can be a very good thing to plan ahead, but in other ways it can make me prone to anxiety and fear.

So how do we continue to live in this world where everything is so unpredictable? For me, I think it’s important to first admit that things are out of my control. I like to believe that everything will come together if I just plan well enough and that I can achieve whatever I want through hard work and persistence, but I’m learning that many times, life doesn’t work that way. As I grow older, I’m learning to be more flexible and open handed with everything in my life. However, I often find myself vacillating between either one of two extremes--either holding too tightly to a certain outcome or adopting an attitude of resigned acceptance that is lacking in hope. Sometimes I feel like I can count on absolutely nothing and should avoid hoping for particular outcomes in order to protect myself from disappointment. I opt for the safety of resignation rather than the risk of hope. Although I think it’s important for us to loosen our grasp on the need for control in our lives, I don’t believe that God wants us to give up hope and faith in the process. It is okay to have specific hopes for the future and I think that God wants us to trust him with all of our dreams, longings, and desires. Perhaps finding that balance is a matter of bringing our hopes before the Lord, but at the end of the day, being able to say “But Lord whatever happens, your will be done”. If I had to give a name to this posture, I would call it hopeful surrender. It’s something I am still working on.

How does this all play out practically? If our illusion of control has been burst and we are trying to figure out what posture to have towards this unpredictable world, how can we cope? I think that the desire for safety and security in the future is a natural human desire. We can’t just shut it off by brute force or unrelenting stoicism. We are real people with hopes and dreams and emotions. The Lord knows this about us. He created us this way. But in the midst of this ever changing, unstable world, God promises to be our stability.

As I find myself striving to plan my way out of pain and away from trouble, I am reminded of this quote from Corrie Ten Boom, a faithful Christian who was sent to a concentration camp during World War II for hiding Jews in her home, “There are no ‘if’s’ in God’s world. And no places that are safer than other places. The center of His will is our only safety – let us pray that we may always know it!” This does not mean that if we make a misstep or displease God in some way that he will abandon us, but rather that even in the midst of circumstantial upheaval and intense suffering, we can count on God to be the safe place for our hearts. This is something that I have personally experienced through my journey with chronic pain. There have been times where it feels like I am being crushed by injury after injury, giving me the feeling of being pummeled by the waves of the sea and not being able to come up to the surface for a gasp of air. But the Lord became my safe place even in the midst of these trials. As I went to him each morning seeking the comfort of his presence, he quieted the storms of my heart and allowed me to breathe. And now I know that whenever troubles come, I can always go to him for wisdom, for empathy, and for comfort.

Hebrews 4:15 reminds me “... we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.” The temptation I often struggle with is the tendency to over plan and to try to rely on my own strength more than the strength of God. However, my struggles with my health are teaching me how to live in a posture of hopeful surrender, trusting that I am safe in God’s hands no matter what happens.

<3 LM